I realize writing about pregnancy at nearly 38 weeks is risky.
Because I have almost nothing positive to say.
Everything. Hurts. I’m tired of rolling out of bed like an injured seal rolls around on the beach, flopping back and forth, hoping to get somewhere. I’m over getting up to pee 27 times each night and catching glimpses of my puffy self in the mirror. Bending over is a feat, and when I tried to paint my toenails yesterday, both of my legs went numb. I’m sick of my maternity clothes and FOR THE LOVE I just want a giant margarita. Sugar on the rim. Extra shot of tequila, please.
Buuuuuut here I am. Finishing out what has felt like an eternity of carrying around a littler person inside of me. Aches, pains, complaints and all.
And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Sure, if I had a say in the process I would make a few changes to pregnancy, but the end is so close I can feel it and the challenging parts are starting to fade away. I know without even meeting her yet that this journey is totally worth it.
When I finally get to see those little fingers and toes, the months of morning sickness will be irrelevant. There have definitely been moments of wondering why women would EVER do this more than once, but I’m positive what happens at the end totally answers that.
To sacrifice comfort, clothes that fit, and a little sanity (okay a LOT of sanity) for a few months to give life to another person…it’s incomparable. I have been awestruck throughout this process at the provision and design that God has put in place for new life to grow inside of another person. Which I realize is also complicated because not everyone woman was created with the ability to reproduce. And it’s frustrating and heartbreaking and doesn’t always makes sense. But I do believe that every woman was created to give life in some way. How that looks might not always be the same, but I believe that we have the ability to offer life to the world around us in our actions, our words, in the way we nurture and the way we live….it’s incredible.
I know not every pregnancy is expected or even wanted, but when I sit with my hands on my belly, feeling my little Rue wriggling around inside of me, I can’t help but pray for her and what her life will be like. And I pray for the other tiny babies growing right now, too. For their homes, and that love would wrap them up and hold them tightly from the moment they’re born.
And here I am, from laughing to crying…because that’s what pregnancy is. Actually, picture a target drawn with different emotions in each ring. Now, take a dart but before you throw it at the target, blindfold yourself and spring around three times. THAT’S what pregnancy is really like. A mixed bag of whoooo really knows!
I’ve worried about pregnancy consuming me, about being “that girl” that can’t talk or think about anything else. That my whole life will be swallowed up in this 9 month journey and I’ll lose my ability to realize to the world around me. I’ve worried my friends will change or that after I have this baby suddenly my social life and my identity will disappear into thin air. That I’ll just become some nameless milk factory that eventually turns into a maid, a chef, and a chauffeur.
But I think it’s okay to have wonderings or fears about change. Because it’s breaking me out of my comfort zone. It’s taking my typical flexibility of a 2×4 and turning it into something pliable (Adam isn’t around to ask if that makes sense, so just go with it). My life could use some loosening up and a little less “me” focus.
I can’t promise I’ll complain less these last few days (or weeks), but I can promise I’ll try. And I can’t promise to love every moment of this roller coaster ride of pregnancy, but I can promise to absolutely and completely love this little, tiny human growing inside of me. Hopefully along the way I’ve grown in patience and endurance, in love and in self-sacrifice, because I have a feeling that really soon I’m going to need LOTS of it.
My life will soon change from being more about myself to way more about someone else, and that’s a good thing. She will break me, challenge me, and exhaust me in ways I can’t even predict. But she will bring with her life and laughter and more joy than we can imagine.
Ruthie, I’m ready for you! Come turn my world upside down.